Monday, September 22, 2008

I am the Angry Auntie

The Angry Auntie, above. not my artwork. found it online, sorry for not publishing the artist's name, can't remember.
a friend of mine asked why i'm so bitter (about the family?). the thing about them is that i don't think you ever confronted your parents with things. i told my father a few years ago about some things that went down when we were little, that our stepmom did to us, thought he should know. he basically told me to get over it and deal with it myself.
the reason i brought it up is because it's the same now as it ever was, and i can't do that stuff anymore. i want life not to be bitter. i really can't go visit those guys and pretend that it's all just OK. that's what he wants. and i literally can't even manage even one more single visit or phone call with any of them. it's that fucked up. and not because of what happened in the past, but because of how they behave now.
but letting go of my fantasy of what kind of "family" i have back "home" has not been easy. if anything i'm disgusted at the fact that i feel so disappointed that i do not have sisters i can talk to, a brother who will visit me, or any of the happy hallmarky things that he and my stepmom like to pretend we have.
but all through it i've visited, sent gifts, written, made phone calls, all the while playing along and only privately asking my dad---over and over again--to please talk about things in front of the whole family. what i have wanted is for my dad to talk to my little sister and brother about the fact that melissa and i have a mother who matters. yes, she died when i was 9.

but she mattered then and she matters now. they refuse to talk about her at all and raised the kids to believe we were all one family. the kids understandably are very offended at the fact that i want recognition of my mother's importance. i mean, it was serious, they put everything away, all photos, never talked about my mother again, and now at age 40, i realize how important my mom is in my life.

she gave us so much love and caring.

i hate being the bad guy for asking that this be recognized. i have been calling my stepmom by her name for years because i really need this to be known. because of this she has frozen me out, even though i even tried to talk to her about it and let her know it takes nothing from her.

just because i care about my mother doesn't mean i want to dis anyone else. but i've just realized that anyone who really wants to get to know me, needs to know my mom is important to me.

you wouldn't think that would be so much to ask, ya know?

anyway, that's what i'm dealing with. if i didn't give a shit it wouldn't be so hard. but i do and it is. so there ya have it.

anyway, i don't have kids, but i do have a nephew and nieces. and i am, The Angry Auntie.

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